Log in

Chapstick, Chapped Lips, and (Bio)Chemistry

Recent Entries

Bio(Chem) Babe




April 22nd, 2016


Sorry I haven't posted..a lot has been going on, but it has been recorded in the physical journal.

I built & uploaded a website, and it has a blog that is hopefully more interesting to the general public.

I'm sorry.

We are polluted by grief and greed; let's acknowledge it, defy it, meet the inevitable vulgar annihilation with careless vulgar rapture, and, with the last measure of our energy and imagination, refuse darkness its dominion. That is the comic's bargain with the public. Laughter makes you light-headed, but it also brings light. It's intoxicating. It works. I've signed on; and I can say without fear of contradiction that there are millions of other heartbroken souls in line right behind me.
John Lahr, on Mel Brooks

January 28th, 2016

I can't believe the candidate for my old position contacted me. I can't believe her identity.

I really hope I said the right things. I wanted to tell her to run like mad in the opposite direction.

I did not want to be a part of this, or know what was going on. I wanted to leave it behind. I am justified once again in thinking my ex-boss is an idiot.

I am staying up far too late.

I will not rehash our conversation. I do not have to revisit it ever. I will be politely interested in her decision, and be glad that she is moving towards something better, whatever form that motion takes.

I have told the truth. I have told the truth.

The negativity does not touch me. The anxiety and drama flow around me. I remain unsullied and above the pettiness and anger.

These trials make me stronger. Now I need to work on overcoming them.

January 14th, 2016

Updating my journal will have to suffice.

My new job is a disappointment. I'm not crushed (even though I cried most of the afternoon/in bed last night), but I feel really let down. The amount of money and trouble that it took to get here was considerable, and I don't feel I can walk away now. Part of it is me wondering how I could have gotten myself in a situation like this again...and what it means about me as an employee. I wonder whether it means that this really isn't the field for me.

I'm also frustrated that my parents are not supportive.

I'm trying to figure out a response. I'm pretty sure I can't go to the counseling center here...

Just thinking about it brings me to tears.

To be positive about things:
1) I love the nonstop classical music, though it can be a bit distracting when something I've played comes on
2) ...

other things
3) I like my condo--despite its slight shabbiness.

The conclusion I am forced to draw is that I need to be working on my dystope, where the office environment sucks. This is my conclusion---this is my first action.

I need to write, I need to make music, I need to get out of here.

December 27th, 2015

(no subject)

Wheels have been set in motion, and they have their own pace, to which we are...condemned. Each move is dictated by the previous one--that is the meaning of order. If we start being arbitrary it'll just be a shambles; at least, let us hope so. Because if we happened, just happened to discover, or even suspect, that our spontaneity was part of their order, we'd know that we were lost. (He sits.) A Chinaman of the T'ang Dynasty--and by which definition, a philosopher--dreamed he was a butterfly, and from that moment he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. Envy him; in his two-fold security.

~Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Tom Stoppard

December 18th, 2015

I can't believe...

Today was my last official day at my old job. Parts were difficult. I cried a fair amount, although not in public. I spent 'the final (and a thoroughly additional) hour' on my exit interview with the person I dislike the most. She keeps hugging me, and I hates it. I hates it.

At least tomorrow I get to come in for an extra hour or so (oh joy) and spend time with the coworker that I dearly love and will miss like crazy.

The most interesting lesson I have learned is how infrequently you can see a 'distant' coworker and still be friends--and how two weeks can pass without you having seen everyone you want to tell you're leaving.

Also, I still can't believe my boss doesn't realize how much I hate her guts. I wonder how much of autism-spectrum dissociative behavior is poorly concealed dislike of others.

What else is there? So many mixed feelings. So much to do. So many uncertainties, still. We will get through it. Won't we?

It will be great to have all of this turmoil in the rear-view.

December 4th, 2015

I won NaNoWriMo, despite being 25,000 words behind at one point. I wrote 26,000 words over the Thanksgiving weekend, including 10k on Sunday. I had some excellent moral support from a beloved member of the writing group, which didn't hurt.

I also got the job. They offered me a 40% raise, cost of living included. I did not negotiate.

I am still waiting on the official offer letter, and getting antsy at the delay of confirmation of my employment.

I gave notice today. My boss didn't seem surprised (probably because she received a call from the background check company), and said many complimentary things. They don't alleviate in any way my dislike, but I feel bad still for leaving. I also dread feeling cut out of things, even though I know it's my own choice. I decided this afternoon, though, that I won't go back...even if my new job falls through. I almost hope it does, because I thought this afternoon about all the other things I want to do.

And I'm irritated that I don't get to tell people why exactly I'm leaving. I want to raze the company with my words, and let them lick at the minds of my coworkers when I am gone. Am I overestimating their power, or my power over my soon-to-be-ex-coworkers? I probably alarmed my best friend at work, but she talked me down (as much if not more so than L) by telling me how I would have no regrets when I was her age from taking the high road. I hope that's the case, but Idk. I will take some solace in her telling me that people are really judged by their actions. I don't know if I 100% believe it, but it makes me feel better about some of the verbal faux pas I have made in her presence recently.

So what did my boss say? That I was an excellent (insert more superlatives here, including 'innate' which doesn't quite make sense--unless she meant that some of my positive qualities were innate?) employee and that she was really invested in keeping me around after our spat in March, as long as I would stay...Is the truth? Does it mean she put up with me because I was so awesome as an employee, even though I'm far too direct for her tastes and I (not-so-subtly) think she's an idiot? I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I will try to just be glad it will be over soon, and I can move on to the next stage of my life.

I also felt guilty after telling my hair stylist, who is cool and also thinks L and I are cool. Enough cool people have said it; it might actually be true. :)

Elsewhere or on the Internet...GDSF (should be a t-shirt slogan)

I have been in a very strange mood tonight, and I am at home by myself for the next several hours. What to do...

November 17th, 2015


things have happened, and been recorded in varying amounts of detail in various places.

I took two days off last week, and spent them interviewing instead of relaxing, as I semi-intended.

For some reason, I got up at 2 both days in order to get to the airport. I managed to score a rental car for my first interview, though it tapped my bank account and I took ages to get to the interview site, since my phone's GPS declined to work and my printed directions kept blowing away.

I was not super impressed by the layout of the first site--there are 3 offices spread over three buildings, and you have to cross a road to get to the administrative one. There's no crosswalk, just a 3-way stop. The lab setup was different from what I was used to, but everyone was super friendly and knowledgeable. The lab staff had been around forever, and were super friendly.

The medical director made me want to cry, though, asking me what I intended to be doing in 10 years, then making a comment about the stability of the lab and something deprecating along the lines of unambitious. I felt the rest of the afternoon as though I had been living a lie...and it still makes me leery of taking the job. I have ambitions, but they are unrelated to the position. :/ How do I get there?

The second job--recalibrated my expectations entirely. I didn't get to meet any lab staff, and only interviewed with HR and a financial person (who I wouldn't interact with anyways). I gave my contact information to the head REI, and he didn't bother to call me on Sunday (so I'm glad I didn't hold my breath for it). I understand the REI I spoke to had a family emergency, but I got my understanding of the organization from the HR person (who was hired in September). Finally I figured out that I would be working alone in the lab (or with an off-site lab director & andrologist), as the embryologist/lab director I did not meet was leaving. The overall impression I got filled me with foreboding.

I passed 2 references on to the first job. I don't even feel like contacting reference #3. I think I'm a shoo-in for the job...though the director didn't say as much, she hugged me (I think, unless I am far more awkward than I think) and discussed briefly the process of negotiating my salary.

I don't know what I want any more, except to get out of the job I have now. Monday was spent working around renovations, and today was mostly consumed by a three-hour lab meeting in which nothing was accomplished. My boss is incompetent.

So if I don't get this job, that means I have permission to seek outside the field, right?

Sometimes it sucks to be an atheist. :P

I am also close to hopelessly behind on my NaNovel, and am not sure how much I care about hitting the 50,000 word mark this year. Plotting sucks; pantser for life!

October 11th, 2015

Sometimes, all you have to do is tell people the truth. They won't believe you. After that, they'll leave you alone.

The last thing bad boys need is their mother's approval.

October 8th, 2015

How much more?

The past two days have been stressful, and I am exhausted.

Since I have to come in to work on Saturday, I wonder if I can get time off tomorrow?

Had a sort-of panic attack this afternoon over the new admin & my boss and their plot to take over the lab and ruin everything. I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself of all the useful things I do, things that even my boss can't/doesn't do. I swear I'm not paranoid.

We're in a continual state now of everyone stepping on everyone else's toes, and I hate it.

I want my resignation to hurt them (for all the anguish they've caused me during my employment), but most of all I want it to come. SOON.

Where do I find what I'm looking for? How do I open myself to opportunity?

I want to be so much more than I am right now. :(

September 24th, 2015

Does ranting help?

If I didn't mention it, 'My daddies are getting divorced'---and apparently there's bad blood between the nurses on both sides as well as the receptionists. I overheard the receptionists saying nasty things from the comfort of my office, but I'm a little surprised that it extended throughout the group. I can bet who is responsible for most of it, though...

It also seems the nurses have taken that to mean that anything goes with scheduling procedures. My boss is a pushover, but I can't predict whose side she'll be on at any given moment. Our new assistant is a small boat, and mostly just annoying--she alternates between, "I can do things, let me do things," and, "I'm still learning, I'm still learning, what did I do wrong this time?"

What am I doing wrong in my job hunt? I've applied to 37 so far? With 1 interview for a job I didn't initially apply for and didn't want. What else do I do?

It's too much, and it's been too much for a while. How do I escape this as soon as I can while maintaining my self-respect?
Powered by LiveJournal.com